Short People, Unite!
by Audrianna13
Summary: We all know how Phoenix Feathers!Naruto doesn't like to be called short. We also know that canon!Ed loathes with a passion being called short. So what would happen if the two of them met up?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own neither Naruto nor Fullmetal Alchemist.**

**IMPORTANT NOTES TO READ BEFORE READING THIS:** Okay, this is set up with my Phoenix Feathers Naruto in mind, who is very easily pissed off by being called short now that he is again. You don't have to have read PF to understand this, just know that he's annoyed when called short (oh, and this probably takes place before the Wave mission, FYI). As for Ed...well, I'm not really sure when this would take place for him, but definitely before the end of the manga series (with absolutely nothing to do with the first anime), because he still has his alchemy. It would probably take place before Liore while he and Al are wandering around and looking for the Philosopher's Stone. On the way to Konoha, they were attacked by some ninja (from another village or just rogue, it doesn't matter), and Ed was sent to the hospital so the medic-nins could help him recover. Of course, we all know how much Ed dislikes hospitals, and thus begins the story...

* * *

Ed dashed around the corner of the street, his red coat flapping in the wind, and ducked into an alleyway as the sound of his pursuers faded, running past him. He let out a sigh of relief.

'_Honestly_,' he thought to himself. '_Hospitals! What's so difficult to understand about the fact that I know my own limits and thus can judge when it's all right to leave?'_ He pressed a hand to his chest and winced at the pain of his ribs. '_Okay, fine, maybe I should have stayed a bit long for those…' _he admitted grudgingly.

The blond alchemist peeked out of the alleyway. Not immediately noticing any people from the hospital, he deemed it safe to venture out into the crowd and make a break for the apartment he was staying in with Al while they were in this weird village. He strolled casually out of the alleyway, his hands in his pockets, and started towards said apartment.

Unfortunately, as soon as he rounded the corner, someone ran into him. They both fell to the ground with a thump, Ed with a hiss of pain as his injured ribs jarred with the impact of meeting the ground.

"Hey!" the alchemist barked out. "Watch it!"

He watched as the kid that had run into him sat up, rubbing his head.

"Ow," the kid muttered with a frown on his face, his eyes narrowed slightly. "Oh, sorry," he belatedly added to Ed. "I didn't see you there—"

Ed started to open his mouth to protest that he wasn't short, God dammit, but the kid kept right on talking before he could say anything.

"—that was completely my fault, I'm _really _sorry! I should have been watching where I was going!"

"Yeah, no kidding," Ed grunted, pushing himself up with another pained sound.

"Seriously, I'm really sorry," the kid said, clambering to his feet as well. "I just had to hurry to meet up with my team – Kakashi-sensei said we'd be meeting about three hours ago, which means I have anywhere from five minutes to another few hours to get there, but better safe than sorry, right?"

For some reason, the kid's rant reminded Ed of Mustang, which was why his mouth got ahead of his mind and blurted out, "Yeah, I understand the feeling of annoying superiors who are always late or really damn lazy with their paperwork…"

The alchemist let his sentence trail off as he studied the kid closely for the first time. He had long blond hair that fell slightly past his shoulders; clear blue eyes that were still scrunched up slightly with whisker-like marks underneath; all black clothes (except for a red spiral on the front of the shirt), with some white bandages wrapped around his shins and bordering the edge of his shirt, under a red cloak with black flames dancing on the ends, and black sandals that looked like they had slightly raised platforms. Altogether, Ed was reminded very much of his own typical ensemble, and if the hitai-ite was anything to go by, the kid was obviously a ninja (or at least one in training)…which meant he was in the military of this country.

Ed felt slightly creeped out by how similar they were.

"Whoa," the kid said, assessing the blond alchemist the same way Ed had been studying him. "You're—"

Ed tensed, prepared to fight. Ninja or not, if this kid called him short or any other synonym of said cursed word, he would _not _be held responsible for his actions!

"—the same height as me!" the kid crowed, sounding delighted. He pumped a fist in the air. "_Yes!_ There's someone other than me who is stuck right before a growth spurt!

Ed blinked, then nodded, rather taken aback.

"This whole world is just too damn big!" the kid declared. "And it makes us regular sized people feel like we're not an adequate size when _they're _the freaks!"

"Yeah!" Ed said, grinning in agreement. He felt a sudden surge of affection for this kid. "It _is _the world that's too big! They build things for giants purposely to make us feel" —the alchemist paused for a moment before making himself say the dreaded word—"short, those ridiculously tall bastards!"

Just then, a grey-haired man with a mask covering his face and a hitai-ite draped over one eye rounded the corner. He stopped when for a moment he seemed as though he thought he was seeing a double-image, glancing back and forth between Ed and the kid. Then his visible eye turned up in the approximation of a smile.

"Find your long-lost twin, Naruto?" he asked. Ed was sure if he could see the man's face, it would be twisted up in the same condescending/smug smirk the Colonel Bastard always had on his face, one that he especially used right before completely pissing Ed off.

The kid – Naruto – shot the grey-haired man a dirty look, with an accompanied, "Shut the hell up, Kakashi." Colonel Bastard Number Two either didn't notice (not damn likely), or chose to ignore it (just like Mustang), and continued to talk.

"Look, you're even the same height," he said, patting Naruto on the head in a rather patronizing manner. "Both as short as hell."

Both of the blonds immediately started seething.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT EVEN AN ANT COULD WALK OVER THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE SUCH A PINT-SIZED MIDGET?" the two shouted together, stepping threateningly towards Kakashi.

Said ninja slowly back away, his hands raised in front of him.

"Hey, hey," he said, a teasing light still in his visible eye. "Kidding."

"Don't make fun—" Naruto started menacingly.

"—of our heights," Ed finished, growling.

Kakashi sighed theatrically, again glancing between the two blonds. "You ruin all my fun," he muttered, and then leapt away. The two blonds were left standing in the street, stared at by passerby who had heard the yelling. Both ignored the stares, well-practiced in the art of disregarding what other people thought of them.

Slowly, Naruto raised a hand and stuck it out.

"I think," the blond ninja said, "that this is the beginning of a _beautiful _friendship."

Ed grasped the offered hand and shook it firmly.

"So do I," he said, an evil look lighting up his face.

The two chuckled maliciously and rubbed their hands together gleefully, already planning how to take revenge on any people who had dared or would dare to call them 'short.'

Alchemy plus ninjutsu, held by two people with short tempers, prankster spirits, and capable of performing actions most of their respective peers couldn't?

It was a wonder Konoha managed to stay standing.

* * *

**A/N: **This was inspired because way back near the beginning of Phoenix Feathers, I had Naruto get snippy when people call him short. It was sort of based off of Ed because it was amusing. Then I realized how alike they really were. The reasons were all stated in the fic, but I'll say them again: there is, of course, the whole height thing, then the fact that they wore similar clothes, followed by the fact that they work in the same profession (military), and they both have advantages over their peers (Naruto by being a chakra powerhouse because of the Kyuubi, and Ed because he doesn't need to use transmutation circles) that came with a price (hatred, losing an arm and a leg). So...I wondered what would happen if they met, met noticed their similarities, and teamed up to wreak havoc against an unjustly humongous world. This is the result. I hope you liked it!

(By the way, don't worry. Al comes by at some point and drags Ed away before he can cause too much permanent damage...)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here be the completely unplanned for second chapter of Short People, Unite! The one that popped into my head fully formed and demanded (very loudly) to be written. But this is the end. For real, this time. I promise.**

* * *

Several hours into their mischief and mayhem causing, right after they knocked over a milk cart to get away from angry villagers (and a few ninjas), Ed had to pause and ask Naruto a very important question.

"So," the alchemist said as they casually strolled down a street toward their next target. "How do you feel about milk?"

Naruto frowned thoughtfully. "Milk?" he asked.

"Milk," Ed confirmed.

"Hmm," the ninja said. "Well, I used to drink it more – in cereal or something – but ever since That Incident I haven't liked it as much."

"That Incident?"

Naruto shuddered. "Trust me, you don't really want to know. Suffice to say, my plan was interrupted while in action and I was almost discovered."

Ed raised an eyebrow but didn't press the other blond for details after the look on the ninja's face.

"Would you, for any reason, try to force me to drink the disgusting opaque liquid that is secreted from a cow?" was the next question from the alchemist.

Naruto's lips quirked at Ed's description of milk as the two looked cautiously around a corner before turning it and continuing on their way. "Most likely not, no," he answered. "Unless under extenuating circumstances."

Ed grunted. That was probably the best he could hope for. "And do you have any friends that would try to force me to drink It?"

"No," Naruto said. Then he frowned. "Wait Kakashi might – no, he usually tries to make me eat fruits and vegetables. Sasuke probably wouldn't care about you except to assess your level of threat. Sakura–"

The blond ninja paled, halting.

"What?" Ed demanded sharply, looking around for something dangerous.

"Oh, crap," the ninja whispered. He point to the end of the street they were on where a girl with pink (_what?_) hair was making her way toward them.

"Run," Naruto whispered to the alchemist. The sheer terror in the ninja's voice startled Ed, but he stood his ground.

"Who is that?"

"Sakura," the ninja whimpered. If he'd been a dog his ears would have been down and his tail between his legs. As it was, he just cowered.

Ed tugged the other's arm, fruitlessly trying to get the other blond to follow him so that they could retreat and regroup away from the girl who was emitting a surprising amount of menace.

"Save yourself," Naruto said, his eyes fixed on her.

Ed took off. He didn't feel too much of a coward, even when he heard howls of pain and yells from behind him.

_Good luck_, the alchemist thought to the blond he'd been commanded to leave behind. Ed winced as several more painful sounds came from behind him. _I think you're going to need it._

And thus ended one of the largest pranks on Konoha in the hidden village's history.


End file.
